AWARE & AGGRAVATEDHOSTED BYLEO SKEPI
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Aware & Aggravated
125. Things I No Longer Do
Sun Apr 21 2024
Can I give? What can come about from this? You're now aware of something you don't like or you don't want. Okay. How are you gonna go to what you do want from that? And that's my other perspective of how I've let go of this and stopped doing it is when you're criticizing something, you're focused on what's unwanted. You can't get what's wanted if you're focused on what's unwanted. And to be criticizing something doesn't change it. And I have an example that I'm gonna give you around criticizing things, and it doesn't change it into what you want. So criticizing it is useless. I was touring some houses recently, and I have a very specific taste for what I like and what I want. And I was going into a lot of houses just nitpicking the shit out of them, and I was getting frustrated and irritated, like, why did this person who lived here before do this? Why did they do that? Why did the builders who built this house make this wall like this? For what? Like, I was just so focused on what I didn't like about so many properties, and I caught myself in the moment and was like, hey, fucker. You're only over here focused on what you don't like. You're just criticizing the house. Like, poor house. It didn't do nothing. But asking yourself in the moment, why are you criticizing something? There's no threat. But there is a threat in a situation like this because I'm trying to find something that I want, And I'm hoping that each house that I was touring was gonna be what I wanted. So when I saw things that weren't what I wanted, I felt further from what I did want, and I felt hopeless about what I want actually existing. So the threat was the fear and the worry that I wasn't gonna find what I wanted, and why can't this thing in front of me just be what I want it to be? That's very fair to think. But what does that do? Nothing. Criticizing don't do nothing. Was me getting mad about the color of the walls and the certain backsplash they did in the kitchen? Was that gonna change and make the house become what I wanted? No. But nitpicking what isn't what I want is not gonna get me any
While you are devaluing your life because certain actions contradict self worth. It's like if you have a plant and you love this plant, but you don't know how to care for it and you neglect it from sunlight. And you give it more tequila than you give it water. The plant is gonna die. And if you ever wonder, would the plant know that you loved it or cared about it? No. Because your actions are what killed it and hurt it. But sometimes it's not because you didn't care that you heard it. You didn't know how to take care of it or you didn't realize what it actually needed and that these things were damaging. This is a big thing to see about actions you take in your own life. Sometimes you do not understand you are devaluing yourself by taking certain actions. But with this, you have the freedom. To choose to do and live and be however you want. And I don't think that's grounds to attack somebody. For how they want to personally live their life and how they want to treat themselves. But the thing to get is there are positive and negative consequences with everything that you do. And just because you are not aware of certain consequences does not mean you do not have to face them. I am gonna hit on the fact that seeing certain actions that you've been taking or that you do take as what's keeping you from self love is hard to face because a lot of things are comfort. And you might not be aware that certain things you choose for comfort devalue you. It's hard to face that once you're aware of it. It sucks ass. None of us are exempt from it. So when I say comfort, eating drugs, drinking, smoking, sex. A lot of these things are comforts, and they can have negative consequences. But the real bitch here is it's gonna ruin your experience of acting on these comforts. And that's why a lot of people don't like to look at consequences. They just like to pretend like they're not there.
If you stand on it. But with trying to look at it from the perspective of this is happening for me, I literally just sat down in the new hotel after I couldn't find it and was like, fuck. What now? How could this be happening for me? You know? And then I noticed the feeling of relief that it was gone. Hang with me. So when that feeling of relief popped up, I was like, wait. Here it is. This is what to go into. And I sat there with it for a second, and I was, like, low key kind of relieved that I lost it because to have something that valuable just on your finger, and I had it on my pinky, that's where I wore it, stressed me out a little bit. Having something of such high value added stress to my life. And I was at a point mentally, emotionally, like I said, with everything going on, I could not take on or I didn't feel like I could take on any more pressure. I felt very crippled by everything going on. Having that ring was more pressure and it made me have to live a certain way. Like, when you're out in public, you gotta watch your surroundings a little more when you got jewelry on because I don't just wear the ring. I got the bracelets. I got the juvie. I got everything. You know what I mean? But with that ring, it was just another added piece of stress and more pressure. And what I was wanting from life was a relief, and I got it in a way I did not expect. But I realized with the whole relief thing with losing the pantherine, that having something of value, if you are not in a place to caretake it, will stress you out. And when you really think about having something like that, you have to watch what you do. Like I said, like, the way you go out in public, the way you do things, you have to look after it. You can't just put it down anywhere. You can't just, like, be careless with your hands because, God forbid, she flies off, takes off running. Oh my god. I would freak out. But, basically, having that just added a little more stress to my life.
Up their own ass. The thing to see here is whatever you assume is what you're gonna see proof of, and it's gonna cause what you're feeling. So next time you're in public and you're feeling weird or you feel like people are staring at you, look around for a second. Are they actually and are what are you assuming about them looking at you? Or what are you assuming just being in public? Become aware of the thoughts going through your head. Social media is a different ball game, babe. We're gonna get there. So with earning the ability to not give a fuck and earning the mindset of not caring what people think. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you the process of it so you can skip it and not have to go through it. But, basically, step 1, you gotta start off being a people pleaser to the max. You have to literally care about what people think so much that it leads you to a point of utter exhaustion. And there's 3 shortcuts to get to that exhaustion. The first one is trying to desperately be loved and be anything anyone wants that gets you acceptance and just being what you think everybody else would like from you and would want you to be. Friendship, relationship, as a child, trying to people please and literally try so hard to change yourself to be anything that you see as lovable, that's gonna exhaust the piss out of you because it's never gonna work. And I'm speaking from experience because I've been there. I've tried everything. In my childhood, I tried every goddamn thing you could think. That's why I have so many skills and I'm so good at so many things and I know so many random things. I tried everything. I did everything. Never worked because it's not the real you. That's the main thing to get is it's never gonna work because it is not you. It's a mask. When you're trying to be all of these things, it's not you. You will never truly feel accepted, and you will never truly feel loved as long as you operate like this. But to kick this up a notch, it's gonna hurt your feelings. No one's ever gonna feel safe with you. You're never gonna feel safe with you because you constantly throw yourself away to be what everybody else wants, but no one's ever gonna feel safe with you because you run around pretending like you don't have feelings and you don't have needs because you don't wanna be a bother and you wanna be accepted and approved of so bad. It's very off putting when
Or to be friends with someone anymore. Like, their presence in your life doesn't make sense anymore. You know those friends I'm talking about, or the people that you're dating that I'm talking about. Sometimes it's just, like, very clear that your presence in my life no longer makes sense, and that's a sign their purpose is served. And they're meant to make their way out, whether it's by you doing it or them doing it. You know when it's time for them to go. Now let me tell you the things that have helped me feel better about this because it does hurt. But here's how to make it not hurt. Like, what to flip in your head. Okay. So when you logically know someone's not for you or you don't want them, but the way you feel doesn't change. Like, when you logically can convince yourself and see, this person is not what I want. They do not have a space in my life. Whatever. But you still feel stuck on them. My first piece of advice is stop trying to fight and prove the pain that you're in. You're hurt, and that's it. It's not up for discussion. And a lot of people get trapped in this when it's a situationship or something was only a couple of months, and you're like, why the fuck should it hurt this bad? Why did it hurt this bad? A lot of people will say, oh, it hurts so bad because I love them so much. That's not always the case. How bad something hurts you is not in proportion to how much you loved it or cared about it. So don't make that misjudgment. Sometimes it is. Most of the times it's not. Shit can hurt even if it makes no logical sense, but don't make it mean I just love them so much. That's why it hurts this bad. That's not the case. And another situation that this feeling stuck on somebody we're about to get into a real big, like, subconscious game that goes on. But another thing that can hurt is with the betrayal aspect. And you see someone is not who you thought they were. You are still allowed to be hurt. Even if the person you thought you cared about didn't really exist, they were putting on an image, or who they really are came out. The love and the care that you